Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
