thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
