Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize