his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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