I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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