shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
