This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
