There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
