people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
