I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
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