Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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