Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
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