I haven't been this sober since birth.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
