How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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