I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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