So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
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