then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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