her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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