Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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