Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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