So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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