you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
