Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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