The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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