I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
