Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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