I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
