omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
