I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
