It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
