before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
