i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
