I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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