everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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