now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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