I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
