Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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