Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
