I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
