someone owes me an orgasm
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
