If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
