I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
