so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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