The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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