Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Two words: nipple clamps
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