Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
