I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
