I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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