I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
