i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
