I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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