I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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