Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
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