If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
