dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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