i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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