A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
