Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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