so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Randomize
