Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
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