She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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