Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize