I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
