i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
