i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
