can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
