I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
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