Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
