Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
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