I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
