I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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