jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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